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Saturday, June 30, 2018
You Are a Warrior @ 10:59 AM

"Do not speak badly of yourself, for the warrior that is inside you hears your words and is lessened by them.  You are strong and you are brave.  There is a nobility of spirit within you.  Let it Grow."

We are raised to be fiercely independent and headstrong, yet as we grow those who taught us don't always approve of the decisions we make.  How then can we be satisfied with who we are when we are told we aren't who we are supposed to be?

We must ignore these voices, no matter how difficult it may be.  We must be satisfied with our decisions and not question ourselves.  You are who you are meant to be and no one can change that.  Having confidence in yourself takes bravery and it's hard.  But be brave and take heart for you were not created to live a life of fear.


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Saturday, September 3, 2016
Say Something @ 6:54 PM


"Sometimes words are nullified by saying too much."

Reconciliation.  1. The restoration of friendly relations.  2.  The action of making one view or belief compatible with another.  Reconciliation is an attempt to restore a relationship whether the person who was hurt or did the hurting desires to do so.  But when does the idea of reconciliation go out the window?  When something is broken how many times do you glue it back together before you can't anymore?  When is the appropriate time to discard the item or buy a new one?  When is it time to be happy again?  We can only reconcile so many times before it's time to mourn the relationship and move on.  How many times can compromises be made in an attempt to resolve things?  There is no definitive answer to these questions and every situation is different.

When did I start to loose myself?  I felt as if I was drowning for a while and that your hand pulled me out.  But at the same time we jumped into a new ship that began to sink.  That hand was no longer there to pull me from the water but to drag me down into it.  I traded one group of problems for another and didn't even realize it.  I have become someone I don't recognize and I can't stand to look at myself any longer.  Aren't relationships supposed to bring out the best in people?

I watched my friend, diagnosed with stage four cancer, die.  I watched how her husband treated her and cared for her in her last days.  I watched as this couple handled the finite reality of their marriage with grace and love.  I watched as this now widowed father of two continued to speak highly of and mourn his wife.  We are not promised perfect days, we are promised strife and adversity.  How you react to the situation is what truly matters.  Will you handle them with passivity, anger, harsh words, or will you handle them with love, building one another up, and action?

How in the most mundane of situations like life can we be so downright mean?  Why does something like a health issue or emergency grasp at our attention and cause us to care?  Shouldn't there be a constant passion?  Shouldn't there be a constant pursuit?  When does one sided love say to complacency, "Goodbye?"
"There is beauty in walking away."



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Sunday, July 12, 2015
Riptide @ 8:00 PM

If you could have any superpower what would you choose?

 I know what I would have chosen long ago: I would choose the ability to breathe underwater. I grew up as a water baby; summers would be spent at the local neighborhood pool or at the beach.  I felt at home in the water.  My brothers and I would stay in the water until our fingers were pruned and we had no energy left.  Some of my favorite memories as a child were at these two locations.  One of my favorite games to play was imagining I was a mermaid.

 Mermaids have always fascinated me; maybe it was watching too much of the Little Mermaid when I was younger.  They had so many abilities: breathing underwater, swimming through the water with ease, diving to great depths without being affected, communicating with sea creatures, having the vast ocean to make friends or get lost in, and the ability to breathe out of water as well.  Whether it was my brothers, friends, or other children I met I would find anyone and everyone I could to agree to play my game with me.    I would like to think that other little girls that age also played the same game when they went swimming.  To this day Mermaids do fascinate me but I have come to discover why I craved this life under the sea so much.

 I deal with severe anxiety and depression; there are days where I can barely get out of bed let alone function normally.  When my anxiety gets the better of me my chest gets tight, I feel panicked, and scared; it is all I can do to drag myself to my dark closet and sit there.  The silliest part of it is that the smallest most insignificant things can trigger it; an awkward moment in a conversation, just thinking about my finances or something that has not and more than likely will never happen.  I hyperventilate and I feel as if the entire world is crashing down around me.  Finally with coughs and tears it slowly subsides, a total of maybe two to five minutes; but for me it feels like an eternity.

 This feeling of drowning, whether slowly in my depression or quickly with my anxiety, is the worst feeling in the world.  I isolate myself, I lash out at others and get angry with myself.  To have the ability to breathe in both water and on land is something I covet because at times I can't even have one.  I take each day one at a time, so please be patient with me.  Please don't be upset with me if I cancel plans last minute, if I don't wish you a happy birthday, or if I don't call regularly.  I am trying really hard to adapt to this whole living on land thing.  Perhaps I am more of a mermaid than I thought I was.

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Monday, June 22, 2015
Songs of Innocence @ 8:05 PM

So many things change as we grow.  As a child you come barreling out of the house into your yard which is as large as a football field. The fort you build in the vacant lot next door is your only source of refuge as a ragtag group of survivors is lost in the jungle. The Christmas lights hanging on your ceiling above your bed dance like stars; you open the window to the warm summer air and let Peter Pan take you to Neverland.  Before you know it you are living on your own and it's time to pack your trunk of "childish things."  You solemnly tuck your wand next to your vial of pixie dust.  Lovingly you caress the cloak the elves gave you and cast one last broken glance at the magic that surrounded your life.

 You stand at the shore of a lake the night as black as pitch.  The lake before you reflects the dark that seems to go on for eternity and suddenly you are falling.  Drowning in every mistake, every responsibility, every lonely night.  Just when it seems it wont end you land softly, embraced by the pine needles that break your fall.  Slowly one by one stars begin to fade into view as the sweet smell of evergreens and pumpkin fill your senses.  Then a brush of a hand slowly sliding into your own and you are no longer alone.

 He smiles warmly and hands you an old key.  As tears fall down your face you can barely manage to thank him before you start running.  Your feet make no sound as you pound through the forest as quickly as possible.  Your breath catches as soft moonlight falls into the clearing, illuminating the old trunk.  Slowly you step forward, eyes fixated on what you truly thought you had lost.

 The chest is dusty and much worn from the years; you slide the key home with a click.  With trembling hands you lift the lid with a creak and cast your gaze upon all your 'happy thoughts.'  Every item, untouched by time, lay just where you left them.  Everything seems much smaller but just as magical as the first day you possessed it.  A smile spreads across your face and one final tear slides down your cheek as you close the chest and lock it.

 The man takes your hand and walks with you silently into the forest.  You know you will be back to take your treasures out and share them with the stranger.  Because of him you hold the key and there will always be magic.



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Sunday, January 8, 2012
Future Starts Slow @ 4:42 PM

When I got back from Port St. Lucie the summer of 2010 things had changed and I knew it was time for me to move out of my parents' house. I had had my taste of freedom and I had to go for it. :P Although I have greatly enjoyed my time being on my own I do often find myself over at their place pretty often. I'm a major family person; I love spending time with them. I love having their insight and advice on even the tiniest problem. That's why this next step I'm about to take is going to be the hardest one yet.

I have been slowly climbing out of the debt pit I threw myself into and I'm about halfway there. From there there are only a couple things I need to get in order- i.e. a car- and then I'm done. With that being said, after everything is paid off I plan to move to Miami. I know a lot of you will be upset with me and I am bummed that some of you just recently moved to Orlando :( But I know this is what I need to do. I have spent A LOT of time thinking about this and weighing the options. This isn't just a random urge, this has been mulled over for quite some time.

I won't be alone, I have friends and family there- a definite support system. But I know it wont be the same as Orlando. I have lived here all my life and have a huge network here, but it's time to move forward. I already have a couple potential jobs lined up and the living situation pretty much taken care of. I'm excited and nervous for this, but so very ready. I hope you guys will understand and support me in this decision. It probably wont be until this time next year if all goes accordingly, but I felt the need to give everyone a heads up.





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Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Morning Tears @ 4:12 PM

My sophomore year of high school was the darkest period in my life; and one I will prayerfully never return to. Skipping church service, spending time with people I knew only cared about them, doing what felt right, rather than what was right. My relationship with my family became strained and our household was in constant turmoil due to my behavior. The fighting never seemed to end; my parents constantly nagging me about school and preparing for college. I was impulsive, impossible and selfish; until my parents forced me to go to Camp Orlando in the summer of 2007. I fought with everything I had; why would I want to spend a week with kids from a church I didn’t go to and a God I cared nothing about. But to my relief plenty of my classmates would be accompanying me as well.

Ignoring the messages and only there for my friends God got my attention in a major way. As Doug Pierce and the rest of his band members stepped on stage and began to sing, the lyrics hit me head on. Music has always been a major part of my life; it relates with us on an emotional level. To know that someone somewhere has felt the way you do in that moment gives you a bit of hope. God began to use the words of those songs and chip away at my hardened heart. By the end of camp I had broken down and made the commitment to rededicate my life to Christ and leave behind the childish side of me. Returning home to my family repentant and abashed we were able to start fresh.

As my senior year drew closer I felt convicted about my choice of major for college. Now that I was spending time in the word on a regular basis, I felt that my choice to go to school for veterinary medicine was a mistake and that God was calling me elsewhere. Terrified to tell my parents I continued to pray about it hoping that the Lord would reveal what alternative he would have me do. September 8, 2008- my eighteenth birthday and Student Life Orlando, I was spending time with Chad West in the tech booth of the Student Center of First Baptist Church of Orlando. As Chad began to show me a bit about what each board did and what his duties were I began to take interest rather than just mere curiosity. Introduce Simon Hunt. Simon was in charge of the students that were helping out with the event. Attending Wednesday night services on a regular basis I had seen him around, but not taken too much notice. At that moment a little over two years ago, never would I have seen myself where I am today.

Over the course of my senior year in high school Simon, guided me and taught me everything I needed to know about the technical world. We had plenty of times where we didn’t see eye to eye, but everything always worked out in the end. He provided me with opportunity after opportunity to build myself into a better technician and farther my opportunities. Finally I knew what my calling was- to allow people to worship together on a larger scale; now I just had to tell my parents. It was mortifying having to sit there and tell them I didn’t want to attend veterinary school after all of the time and research they had invested. Skeptical at first, my parents have now grown an appreciation for my passion for this ministry.

Camp Orlando of 2008- I went to camp as a technician for the first time and student for the last. The excitement of load-in and the extra privileges were almost too much to handle. When the band members- and now close friends- began to play, I felt such a sense of admiration as I was able to mix the band that God had used to break me. And a year later at Camp Orlando 2009 to share with them exactly how He had used them to push me in the direction I needed to go.

Over three years have passed since the first day I began my interest in audio engineering and I have been blessed beyond measure. God has placed so many people in my life that have pushed me towards the goal that he had for me. As this new season of my life begins I would like to take the time to individually thank each person that God used to direct me. Each of you cannot fathom how much the Lord used you to influence my life.


God has done such a work in my life and I know he will continue to do so- the story is in the journey.

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1




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Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Unconditional Love @ 3:25 PM

The heart knows no logic beyond need and desire; the head has no senses except the common and the pragmatic. To love is to be courageous, to take risks and be disciplined. The desire to know everything overwhelms the senses. The smallest of details means the world; and yet nothing need be known except what the heart feels in that moment. Hearts will never be practical, until they are made unbreakable. Opportunities arrive to save or destroy; the chance to disregard, or to extend oneself and draw them from the darkness. The commitment and desire to travel hand in hand into the darkness if the strength is not found to save.

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Never Going to Fake It @ 3:16 PM


As the shadows casted by the candlelight flicker across my ceiling I can’t help but allow myself to slip into the creative mindset. The sultry voice of William Fitzsimmons floats through my speakers mixed with the warm tones of his acoustic guitar. The smell of caramel and pecans fills my senses as the scent from the candles waft throughout the room. They say that between the hours of nine and eleven are when you are most creative- and in this instance they may be correct. I find it easiest to express myself in the written word. Black and white I pour my thoughts and heart onto the paper that lie before me. It wasn’t always this way, photography used to be my best means of expression, but with everyone picking up a camera recently I feel the need to change my outlet.

As for what is weighing heavily on me tonight- submission. We continually push the envelope, regardless of the fact that every red flag has presented itself. Forcing an issue until it becomes worse than the original situation was. It is much like picking at a scab until it becomes infected- left alone it would heal much quicker. Why is it that we have such a hard time letting go; clinging so tightly to our children, our political views, or simple argument with someone? Christ has called us to submit ourselves to Him, and in doing so, to one another. Letting go of our pride and selfishness is the only way we can truly and completely surrender ourselves to God.


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Monday, June 13, 2011
A Fearful Treat of Unresolve @ 4:12 PM

It is not often that a complete stranger compliments you on your appearance, but when it happens we swell with pride and carry our heads a little higher. Yet when someone you know recognizes you for something it doesn’t mean as much. Why would more value be placed on a stranger’s opinion than that of someone close to you? Perhaps it’s because you hear it all too often that it doesn’t hold the same meaning for you anymore. Or could it be the person giving the admiration? I know if it’s a shady older gentleman the comment is taken negatively, whereas if it is a child you smile and thank them. What about the person close to you when they praise you for something, why has it lost its value?

We were created for companionship. So why do we pull away like a knee jerk reaction to something painful. Perhaps it’s because they know us and what we want to hear. They tell you how beautiful you are, but we scoff and move on. They know the nasty bits; they’re close enough to know what pains you. A stranger gets what’s on the surface; a warm handshake, then the release. Why do we squirm and attempt to wriggle out of the holding of that hand, like it’s uncomfortable to do so. Injury after injury has caused us to recoil from one another, continually adding bricks to the walls we build for ourselves. Our mask is so perfectly placed upon our face, and then we meet the one who easily places a crack in our façade. We fight, scream, and try our best to escape, fearing that after the mask is removed they will hate what they see. Refusal to show anyone what we feel goes against the worlds standards.

Our faith, abuse, hate, self esteem issues, depression, rape, cutting, disease, finances, interests, anything that defies perfection and what the world says you should be lies open bare. It’s as if you’re naked in the dark but you know a million eyes are on you. A warm hand slips into yours and grips you tightly, fighting, screaming, and writhing to get away. You’re pulled in close and warm arms envelop you, the struggle continues- it’s too painful to share. Gradually you stop straining against the embrace, you welcome it, and then you embrace them yourself. They won’t run, they’ve seen the dirty parts, the bits we keep to ourselves, and they don’t care. They love every part of you, they tell you how much they love the messy parts- you don’t believe them at first, but gradually you do. The shattered pieces of mask are tossed into the trash, and all of you can finally shine through. The world hates it and tries to break you down, but hand in hand with the one who shattered that mask you shove the world aside and step out of the darkness proudly.

Hand envelops hand, as one heart calls to another.


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Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo @ 12:24 PM

So it’s been almost a month since I have had any sort of income what so ever. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember; you stand up and the world spins for a minute and you feel light headed, it passes and you move on. Well a few months ago it got worse, so bad the room would not stop spinning. My parents came over to my house and took me to Centra Care at 11:30 at night. Of course they were of no help; they said they could only treat the symptoms. So I returned home with four different prescriptions to be filled. After about a week or to the meds helped and all the nausea and dizziness went away. That was until about a month ago.

The vertigo first hit me at work, it was a partial hot flash then the room started spinning. Luckily I had enough wit about me to lean against a shelf before me knees buckled. After it passed I hopped back to work and thought nothing of it, till Friday night when I started throwing up for no reason. Saturday morning rolled around and I was off to Centra Care once again [different location]. It had been almost two months since these symptoms had returned and the doctor told me the same thing: we can’t diagnose you- only treat your symptoms. He prescribed me two anti-nausea medications, told me to follow up with my primary care physician in three days and to go to the ER if it got worse. Last time I checked that suggestion was not a good thing.

The three days went by very slowly. The longest I have been on bedrest was nine weeks, but trust me when I tell you these three days drug out. Finally it was time for me to visit my PCP and get some answers. Now within this three day span one of these medications was having some really bad side effects. One was that I was super sensitive to light and sound- thus causing some major migraines. Second Eitan was in town and I was driving us over to my parents house when I almost rear ended some guy. I was looking right at his car when it stopped and for some reason it didn’t register to hit the brakes, luckily Eitan had been with me. Secondly I had been seeing bugs that weren’t there. Now Paul and I live on the lake, we have lots of bugs, but when you tell your roommate to kill a spider that isn’t actually there- there’s something wrong.

So I explained everything that had happened to my doctor and she prescribed me an anti-vertigo medication and a migraine medication. I was on a total of five prescribed medications [including my regular medication for some other stuff]. Well the anti-vert helped with the hallucinations and the migraine medication made my headaches go away. Following up with her again she suggested that my issue may be an inner ear problem. When the inner ear is thrown off balance it causes vertigo and dizziness; that vertigo and dizziness can in turn cause nausea. So I was off to the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor next, but not before she prescribed me a migraine preventative medication [turns out it used to be used for anti-depression, but there are better drugs out there for that so it’s used for other things. Needless to say I had some killer mood swings when I was first on it.]

So at this point I had been out of work for three weeks and was paying tons of money in doctor’s bills and prescription fees. The thing about money going out is that you have to have money coming in. Regardless, we were finally getting somewhere after almost a month of not knowing what was going on. They did an audio test- my hearing was fine- and sent me back to wait for the doctor. Turns out I have what is called Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo; basically it means that it’s a non-life threatening vertigo that happens when I move my body in different ways. Basically there are crystals in your inner ear that help you keep your balance. There are a number of ways these crystals can come loose, but when they do it causes the vertigo and dizziness. It took four doctors to finally figure this out.

So they took me into another room, moved my head and body in certain ways to put the crystals back in place and gave me a paper with all the information on BPPV. They also told me I had to purchase a soft collar neck brace and wear it for the next week- even while I sleep. I couldn’t lie down, I have to sleep sitting up and if for whatever reason I do lie down it has to be on my right side. Here is where the fun begins: Paul and I went to the medical supply store that they suggested- they didn’t have the size that would fit me but they said they would order it and it would be there the next day at two. Now on the sheet it said it was imperative that I wear the collar within the next 48 hours so that the crystals would go back into place. So we go back the next day, and the stupid store doesn’t have it! They called and said they would get it in the NEXT DAY. You would think that as a medical supply store they would be on top of this kind of thing. I told them forget it and went somewhere else- they had my size.

Four weeks have passed since this thing first started, and this neck brace gets to come off in three days. I will tell you what, being sick/injured is not fun. The financial trouble is not worth it. In the end I’m ready for this crap to be over so I can get back to normalcy.


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Sunday, June 12, 2011
Time After Time @ 11:11 AM

It amuses and astounds me how easily it is to cut someone out of your life entirely. One minute you're the best of friends then BAM that's it, you're yesterday's news. You would think that with all of these forms of communication people would be less likely to just ditch you like a used tissue.

Before you know it you're blocked on their facebook, twitter, phone, email and whatever else.It’s funny to me how all of these forms of communication are supposed to help keep us in contact over distance and time but we still fall out of contact. We take these things and these people for granted. And even though we may be the ones to continually try to stay in contact once someone is done with you that’s it. The friendship is over after all this time and that is that; you're left with nothing but broken memories.

You can pretend to be okay with it, you can continue to fight, or you can truly let it go. We continually take everything for granted. When will we get over ourselves and put our petty differences aside?

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Saturday, December 4, 2010
Sticks && Stones @ 9:17 PM

It astounds me how the simplest of words really stick with you; especially if said by someone close to you. Usually people would brush it off and move on, but I know for a fact everyone has those certain quips that cut to the bone. There is a saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."- that's a lie. Just something we pitch to kids to make them feel better, when in fact that isn't the case at all. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can crush the spirit." That is truth.

You can call me mellow dramatic or whatever you like, but when I find those people I can trust most, their word is golden. Like a child trying to save up his raffle tickets to buy the big grand prize at the fair. But the fact of the matter is people fail you. You can play skeet ball as many times as you want but it only produces so many tickets and the fact is you more than likely will come up short. So how do we stop this from happening? The truth is; we don't. We can't. Humans are flawed and that is just a fact of life we have to accept; as heartbreaking as that may be.

It is amazing to me how much of a roller coaster this week has been. Scathing comments from someone I abhor still tore me up; then someone I care about deeply. Its funny after you hear these simple things they say that ALL of the disheartening things that have been said about you come back to memory. Maybe its just me, and little things like that tend to stick with me- who knows. When I find someone I can trust I open up to them almost entirely, making myself completely vulnerable. Perhaps this is a mistake on my part; a simple naivety, if you will. Or maybe its just downright stupidity- the desire for a simpler time when people actually upheld their integrity.

I have shed more tears this week than I have in a LONG time, but I have to push forward, as much as evil habits crop back up. They call my name, and I struggle to ignore them. They whisper sweet lies into my ears speaking of relief and comfort. Though it may last for a short time, it wont remedy the words that plague my thoughts. Why is it so hard to break a habit, whether something small or addicting? I have to continue on- pushing forward, pushing against the addiction and words that fuel that ever growing fire.

Worthless
Nothing
You act like 'so and so'
Ugly
Selfish
Liar
Horrible Friend
Immature
Unsaved
Unloved
Fat
Uptight
Lazy
Disappointment
Indecisive
Alone
Hated






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Wednesday, August 11, 2010
My Sweetest Downfall @ 6:51 PM

It’s ridiculous how much of our time in High School and College is spent dating or desiring to date someone. My first few years in High School I was the girl that wanted a boyfriend; I thought that everything would be perfect if I just had that one guy to share my days with. I was envious of friends who easily dated guys for months and even years. As I progressed through the rest of my High School career I came to the realization that I didn’t need a guy to make me happy; I was perfectly content on my own. As College began I dated on occasion but only a few turned into short term relationships.



Each breakup taught me that I needed to raise my standards in what I was looking for in a guy. I could see what I didn't like in the first guy and make sure the second guy didn't have the same negative aspects. There were plenty of things that each of the guys I dated had to offer, but there was always a negative quirk or lack of effort that would crop up, and it would quickly come to an end. I have been satisfied with being single for quite a while and have enjoyed my time alone, testing the waters here and there.


But when that one guy steps in that makes the difference, everything changes. I am not entirely sure why, but anytime a relationship gets to serious I tend to shy away. Perhaps this is because I have become so comfortable with being alone or the fact that I have been betrayed countless times. When things begin to get serious I notice little things that tend to really get on my nerves, or I become so self conscious I begin to pull out. It’s great during the “honeymoon stage” when you get along great and want to spend every waking moment together; but what happens after that? What happens when your true colors come out and not the façade that everyone tends to put up when you first meet someone?

I feel as if I have by no means put on a façade for you, but there are so many things about you that scare me. You are a complete gentleman, always opening doors for me and paying for everything; you comfort me when stress and fatigue gets the best of me. You can make me smile and laugh like no one else can; I could never be mad at you- all you would have to do is smile and I can’t help but smile back. You continue to feed into my love languages with warm hugs and sweet words of affirmation; I feel as if I am the only thing that matters to you.

It almost seems too good to be true. Perhaps I am being too much of a pessimist currently, but you scare me. Maybe it’s the fact that the only relationship you have had lasted five years and my longest one was three months? Maybe it’s because I am so self conscious that I feel like you will get sick of me too quickly or wake up one day and realize you’re not attracted to me. Maybe it’s because I have been burned so many times [by no means as badly as you were] that I am scared to open up. Most of these doubts and fears are nothing but illegitimate excuses, but the fact still remains that I am terrified.

Don’t give up on me. Although the walls are there, I just need you to be persistent and chip away at them a little at a time. Be patient with me as I learn what this is all about. Hold my hand, guide me through these new experiences, and wait for me to get a grasp on what it means to be with someone. I appreciate you more than you can imagine and if I am “your drug” don’t hesitate to get a hit every chance you get.

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the art of uncertainty.
i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:

two roads diverged in a wood, and i -
i took the one less traveled by,

and that has made all the difference.