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Saturday, September 3, 2016
Say Something @ 6:54 PM


"Sometimes words are nullified by saying too much."

Reconciliation.  1. The restoration of friendly relations.  2.  The action of making one view or belief compatible with another.  Reconciliation is an attempt to restore a relationship whether the person who was hurt or did the hurting desires to do so.  But when does the idea of reconciliation go out the window?  When something is broken how many times do you glue it back together before you can't anymore?  When is the appropriate time to discard the item or buy a new one?  When is it time to be happy again?  We can only reconcile so many times before it's time to mourn the relationship and move on.  How many times can compromises be made in an attempt to resolve things?  There is no definitive answer to these questions and every situation is different.

When did I start to loose myself?  I felt as if I was drowning for a while and that your hand pulled me out.  But at the same time we jumped into a new ship that began to sink.  That hand was no longer there to pull me from the water but to drag me down into it.  I traded one group of problems for another and didn't even realize it.  I have become someone I don't recognize and I can't stand to look at myself any longer.  Aren't relationships supposed to bring out the best in people?

I watched my friend, diagnosed with stage four cancer, die.  I watched how her husband treated her and cared for her in her last days.  I watched as this couple handled the finite reality of their marriage with grace and love.  I watched as this now widowed father of two continued to speak highly of and mourn his wife.  We are not promised perfect days, we are promised strife and adversity.  How you react to the situation is what truly matters.  Will you handle them with passivity, anger, harsh words, or will you handle them with love, building one another up, and action?

How in the most mundane of situations like life can we be so downright mean?  Why does something like a health issue or emergency grasp at our attention and cause us to care?  Shouldn't there be a constant passion?  Shouldn't there be a constant pursuit?  When does one sided love say to complacency, "Goodbye?"
"There is beauty in walking away."



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Sunday, January 8, 2012
Future Starts Slow @ 4:42 PM

When I got back from Port St. Lucie the summer of 2010 things had changed and I knew it was time for me to move out of my parents' house. I had had my taste of freedom and I had to go for it. :P Although I have greatly enjoyed my time being on my own I do often find myself over at their place pretty often. I'm a major family person; I love spending time with them. I love having their insight and advice on even the tiniest problem. That's why this next step I'm about to take is going to be the hardest one yet.

I have been slowly climbing out of the debt pit I threw myself into and I'm about halfway there. From there there are only a couple things I need to get in order- i.e. a car- and then I'm done. With that being said, after everything is paid off I plan to move to Miami. I know a lot of you will be upset with me and I am bummed that some of you just recently moved to Orlando :( But I know this is what I need to do. I have spent A LOT of time thinking about this and weighing the options. This isn't just a random urge, this has been mulled over for quite some time.

I won't be alone, I have friends and family there- a definite support system. But I know it wont be the same as Orlando. I have lived here all my life and have a huge network here, but it's time to move forward. I already have a couple potential jobs lined up and the living situation pretty much taken care of. I'm excited and nervous for this, but so very ready. I hope you guys will understand and support me in this decision. It probably wont be until this time next year if all goes accordingly, but I felt the need to give everyone a heads up.





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Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Relationship Bucket List @ 3:28 PM

Oh the things I long to do and experience with you:

- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Go camping
- Vacation out of State [Completed]
- Build a blanket fort [Completed]
- Vacation out of the Country
- Take a paddle boat ride
- Take a class together
- Go horseback riding [Completed]
- Attend a formal event [Completed]
- Visit a brewery [Completed]
- Crash a wedding
- Go tubing/ boating/ jet skiing
- Go snorkeling
- Build a snowman & snow fort
- Go hiking [Completed]
- Go to a wine tasting
- Explore a haunted location
- Lay out and watch the stars [somewhere up north]
- Go canoeing
- Go swimming with manatees at Wekiva Springs 
- Go parasailing
- Crash a High School party
- Eat spaghetti in Italy
- Go paddle boarding [Completed]
- Drink a beer in Ireland
- Go Surfing
- Go on a scavenger hunt
- Get Engaged [Completed]
- Swim with dolphins [Completed]
- Go four wheeling
- Visit a National Park [Completed]
- Learn a language
- Build something together [Completed]
- Swim in a fountain [Completed]
- Watch fireworks on the beach
- Get Married
- Vacation in Key West
- Visit the Statue of Liberty [Completed]
- See a Broadway Play [Completed]
- Visit the Eiffel Tower
- Have kids

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Monday, June 13, 2011
A Fearful Treat of Unresolve @ 4:12 PM

It is not often that a complete stranger compliments you on your appearance, but when it happens we swell with pride and carry our heads a little higher. Yet when someone you know recognizes you for something it doesn’t mean as much. Why would more value be placed on a stranger’s opinion than that of someone close to you? Perhaps it’s because you hear it all too often that it doesn’t hold the same meaning for you anymore. Or could it be the person giving the admiration? I know if it’s a shady older gentleman the comment is taken negatively, whereas if it is a child you smile and thank them. What about the person close to you when they praise you for something, why has it lost its value?

We were created for companionship. So why do we pull away like a knee jerk reaction to something painful. Perhaps it’s because they know us and what we want to hear. They tell you how beautiful you are, but we scoff and move on. They know the nasty bits; they’re close enough to know what pains you. A stranger gets what’s on the surface; a warm handshake, then the release. Why do we squirm and attempt to wriggle out of the holding of that hand, like it’s uncomfortable to do so. Injury after injury has caused us to recoil from one another, continually adding bricks to the walls we build for ourselves. Our mask is so perfectly placed upon our face, and then we meet the one who easily places a crack in our façade. We fight, scream, and try our best to escape, fearing that after the mask is removed they will hate what they see. Refusal to show anyone what we feel goes against the worlds standards.

Our faith, abuse, hate, self esteem issues, depression, rape, cutting, disease, finances, interests, anything that defies perfection and what the world says you should be lies open bare. It’s as if you’re naked in the dark but you know a million eyes are on you. A warm hand slips into yours and grips you tightly, fighting, screaming, and writhing to get away. You’re pulled in close and warm arms envelop you, the struggle continues- it’s too painful to share. Gradually you stop straining against the embrace, you welcome it, and then you embrace them yourself. They won’t run, they’ve seen the dirty parts, the bits we keep to ourselves, and they don’t care. They love every part of you, they tell you how much they love the messy parts- you don’t believe them at first, but gradually you do. The shattered pieces of mask are tossed into the trash, and all of you can finally shine through. The world hates it and tries to break you down, but hand in hand with the one who shattered that mask you shove the world aside and step out of the darkness proudly.

Hand envelops hand, as one heart calls to another.


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Sunday, June 12, 2011
Forever & Always @ 11:12 AM



Stolen glances under a soft moonlight night,
Bodies as nimble as a humming bird’s flight gliding across the floor.
Lips pressed together softly, causing heads to spin,
Worlds to stop then begin again.
Picnics of strawberries in the sun,
The sweet scent of sweat emanating off one’s skin.
Talks of friends and family late into the night,
The soft sound of breathing as one fell asleep.
Beams of sunlight dance across a sleeping face,
A nimble kiss placed upon a smooth cheek.
Paintings and photos hung carefully,
Each one a moment remembered together.
Harsh words spoken with rage,
Anger radiates loudly.
Bitter tears brushed away with soft hands,
The brush of hair behind an ear,
Whispered apologies, a stolen kiss.
An inside joke at the expense of a passerby,
Sweet laughter engulfs the senses.
Smiles as hands slip into one another,
Stepping into the future together.
Forever & Always.




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Wednesday, August 11, 2010
My Sweetest Downfall @ 6:51 PM

It’s ridiculous how much of our time in High School and College is spent dating or desiring to date someone. My first few years in High School I was the girl that wanted a boyfriend; I thought that everything would be perfect if I just had that one guy to share my days with. I was envious of friends who easily dated guys for months and even years. As I progressed through the rest of my High School career I came to the realization that I didn’t need a guy to make me happy; I was perfectly content on my own. As College began I dated on occasion but only a few turned into short term relationships.



Each breakup taught me that I needed to raise my standards in what I was looking for in a guy. I could see what I didn't like in the first guy and make sure the second guy didn't have the same negative aspects. There were plenty of things that each of the guys I dated had to offer, but there was always a negative quirk or lack of effort that would crop up, and it would quickly come to an end. I have been satisfied with being single for quite a while and have enjoyed my time alone, testing the waters here and there.


But when that one guy steps in that makes the difference, everything changes. I am not entirely sure why, but anytime a relationship gets to serious I tend to shy away. Perhaps this is because I have become so comfortable with being alone or the fact that I have been betrayed countless times. When things begin to get serious I notice little things that tend to really get on my nerves, or I become so self conscious I begin to pull out. It’s great during the “honeymoon stage” when you get along great and want to spend every waking moment together; but what happens after that? What happens when your true colors come out and not the façade that everyone tends to put up when you first meet someone?

I feel as if I have by no means put on a façade for you, but there are so many things about you that scare me. You are a complete gentleman, always opening doors for me and paying for everything; you comfort me when stress and fatigue gets the best of me. You can make me smile and laugh like no one else can; I could never be mad at you- all you would have to do is smile and I can’t help but smile back. You continue to feed into my love languages with warm hugs and sweet words of affirmation; I feel as if I am the only thing that matters to you.

It almost seems too good to be true. Perhaps I am being too much of a pessimist currently, but you scare me. Maybe it’s the fact that the only relationship you have had lasted five years and my longest one was three months? Maybe it’s because I am so self conscious that I feel like you will get sick of me too quickly or wake up one day and realize you’re not attracted to me. Maybe it’s because I have been burned so many times [by no means as badly as you were] that I am scared to open up. Most of these doubts and fears are nothing but illegitimate excuses, but the fact still remains that I am terrified.

Don’t give up on me. Although the walls are there, I just need you to be persistent and chip away at them a little at a time. Be patient with me as I learn what this is all about. Hold my hand, guide me through these new experiences, and wait for me to get a grasp on what it means to be with someone. I appreciate you more than you can imagine and if I am “your drug” don’t hesitate to get a hit every chance you get.

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the art of uncertainty.
i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:

two roads diverged in a wood, and i -
i took the one less traveled by,

and that has made all the difference.