i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and i -
i took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
● ● ● ●
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Morning Tears @
4:12 PM
My sophomore year of high school was the darkest period in my life; and one I will prayerfully never return to. Skipping church service, spending time with people I knew only cared about them, doing what felt right, rather than what was right. My relationship with my family became strained and our household was in constant turmoil due to my behavior. The fighting never seemed to end; my parents constantly nagging me about school and preparing for college. I was impulsive, impossible and selfish; until my parents forced me to go to Camp Orlando in the summer of 2007. I fought with everything I had; why would I want to spend a week with kids from a church I didn’t go to and a God I cared nothing about. But to my relief plenty of my classmates would be accompanying me as well.
Ignoring the messages and only there for my friends God got my attention in a major way. As Doug Pierce and the rest of his band members stepped on stage and began to sing, the lyrics hit me head on. Music has always been a major part of my life; it relates with us on an emotional level. To know that someone somewhere has felt the way you do in that moment gives you a bit of hope. God began to use the words of those songs and chip away at my hardened heart. By the end of camp I had broken down and made the commitment to rededicate my life to Christ and leave behind the childish side of me. Returning home to my family repentant and abashed we were able to start fresh.
As my senior year drew closer I felt convicted about my choice of major for college. Now that I was spending time in the word on a regular basis, I felt that my choice to go to school for veterinary medicine was a mistake and that God was calling me elsewhere. Terrified to tell my parents I continued to pray about it hoping that the Lord would reveal what alternative he would have me do. September 8, 2008- my eighteenth birthday and Student Life Orlando, I was spending time with Chad West in the tech booth of the Student Center of First Baptist Church of Orlando. As Chad began to show me a bit about what each board did and what his duties were I began to take interest rather than just mere curiosity. Introduce Simon Hunt. Simon was in charge of the students that were helping out with the event. Attending Wednesday night services on a regular basis I had seen him around, but not taken too much notice. At that moment a little over two years ago, never would I have seen myself where I am today.
Over the course of my senior year in high school Simon, guided me and taught me everything I needed to know about the technical world. We had plenty of times where we didn’t see eye to eye, but everything always worked out in the end. He provided me with opportunity after opportunity to build myself into a better technician and farther my opportunities. Finally I knew what my calling was- to allow people to worship together on a larger scale; now I just had to tell my parents. It was mortifying having to sit there and tell them I didn’t want to attend veterinary school after all of the time and research they had invested. Skeptical at first, my parents have now grown an appreciation for my passion for this ministry.
Camp Orlando of 2008- I went to camp as a technician for the first time and student for the last. The excitement of load-in and the extra privileges were almost too much to handle. When the band members- and now close friends- began to play, I felt such a sense of admiration as I was able to mix the band that God had used to break me. And a year later at Camp Orlando 2009 to share with them exactly how He had used them to push me in the direction I needed to go.
Over three years have passed since the first day I began my interest in audio engineering and I have been blessed beyond measure. God has placed so many people in my life that have pushed me towards the goal that he had for me. As this new season of my life begins I would like to take the time to individually thank each person that God used to direct me. Each of you cannot fathom how much the Lord used you to influence my life.
God has done such a work in my life and I know he will continue to do so- the story is in the journey.
“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
Labels: anxiety, christ, church, creativity, depression, faith, God, jesus, self esteem, spiritual
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Hello Alone @
6:26 PM
Although it seems like it has dragged on, the ten weeks I have been living in Port St. Lucie has flown by. There have been good times and bad, but I know I wouldn't have made it through any of this if it wasn't for my support system. I want to thank all of you all across Florida for supporting me and being there for me when I needed you.
But most of all I want to thank my parents. You all have supported me in this decision from the very beginning and have been a continual reminder of how God grows us. You always provided a listening ear and sound scriptural advice as I struggled through these growing pains. I am beyond blessed to have such godly parents who are always there to pick me up when I fall and guide me through the tough times so I don't have to. You two are such blessings to me and I love you and miss you both so much.
As this time in my life draws to a close I can't say I have many regrets. Although I wasn't true to myself when I first got here, my parents reminded me to be who Christ created me to be and what he had called me to do. I have pursued Him with everything I have and will not apologize for that.
I pray that as I step away from Community United Methodist God will continue to work in these students' lives. I pray that a strong leader will take up the position I now leave behind and continue to push and grow each of these individuals. Explosion Youth Ministry, I love each and every one of you more than you can imagine. My prayer for you from the beginning is for you to fall madly in love with Jesus Christ and to shed away the lukewarm life.
Five days remain until I return home to Orlando and begin a new chapter in the book of life. I am excited to see what plans God has for me and where He will lead me next. Only time will tell, but I am willing to do WHATEVER He asks of me.
Labels: church, faith, God, jesus, spiritual, travel
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Only the Beginning of the Adventure @
2:49 PM
I enjoy long road trips almost as much as arriving to my destination. The open road provides you with such an opportunity to evaluate yourself. Grouchy and tired, we piled in the car at seven this morning and made the two hour drive down to St. Pierce. After spending some time in the word I flipped open Francis Chan’s Crazy Love. I have been reading it for about three weeks now, attempting to take my time. As I flew through three chapters I realized that I hadn’t even comprehended what I had been reading, I was merely attempting to take my mind off of my nerves. Closing the book I popped in my headphones to my ipod and listened to a little David Crowder, but I once again found myself uneasy.
As the day wore on my stomach was in knots until I finally gave in and handed it to Him. “If this is where you want me, give me peace.” An overwhelming sense of calm came over me as I stepped into a room of eleven board members who were to interview me. I felt like the meeting wore on for hours, but every answer flowed freely in comparison to other interviews. Knowing that I would continually have to be in prayer about the position, I thanked them and jumped in the car to make the two hour drive back to Orlando. When asked how I felt, I couldn't deny that I felt completely at ease. I shocked myself, expecting to feel completely uncomfortable about it; almost expecting to. Perhaps I was a bit disappointed that I did not feel uncomfortable, did I really want to take that job? It was almost as if I was saying, "Really, God? Are you sure this is the one?" Then when I felt Him saying yes, I asked again- expecting a different answer. Was I ready to do something like this? Was I capable of moving to a small town with no public bus system and no Chick-fil-a? Could I give up my First Baptist Family and go in faith to a small Methodist Church whose entire attendance didn’t even equate to our student ministry?
It’s been a good six hours since the meeting and I have felt nothing but peace about this call to go. I am overflowing with mixed emotions about this. Part of me knows it’s a fantastic opportunity to grow their nearly nonexistent student ministry, but my selfish nature wants to stay at FBCO and with my family. Discerning what is my will from God's will isn't difficult when I shut up and listen, but obeying is another story.
I feel utterly inadequate. Ironically my devotional this morning reminded me of exactly what I needed: God does not call the equipped, he equips the called.God didn’t even tell Abraham which direction to take, He just said pick up and go. That took a massive amount of faith on his part and I am worried about out about moving to a smaller town for ten weeks; I feel like a fool. I am utterly humbled, terrified, blessed and excited to take that step of faith and leave Orlando.
Labels: church, faith, God, jesus, spiritual
Monday, April 12, 2010
I Am Utterly Ashamed @
9:43 PM
Today as I was browsing twitter I came across a link that made me curious, as I followed the link I swiftly hit play on the video before even reading what it was about. As Francis Chan stated the disclaimer about the video I felt I was prepared- although looking back now, I know I did not prepare my heart enough. The images of the people of India beating their friends and neighbors flashed across the screen. My stomach dropped and heart sank as I watched these Christians being bludgeoned to death. As the video came to a close I sat there weeping feeling more ashamed than I ever have in my entire life.
I feel so utterly guilty for making every excuse possible to not share the gospel with someone when the Holy Spirit prompts me. To say “No” and “Lord” in the same sentence is not possible. “Not right now God.” Or “He won’t want to hear what I have to say, Lord.” How blessed am I that the worst thing that could happen to me was that someone verbally abused me and shuts me out. My heart is so broken and so repentant for not doing exactly what I was called to do. I wept as I watched these videos, first for the pain they had to endure, but secondly for my lack of faith and commitment to doing what I am called to do.
Labels: christ, church, faith, jesus
Saturday, April 3, 2010
A Call to Arms @
12:26 AM
“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”
Two weekends ago I had the privilege of spending the weekend with a great group of friends, some old, some new. Although I was still supposed to be on bed rest I took the risk and left the confines of my home after almost three weeks. I had been to a couple of these types of events in the past, but I really had no idea what to expect since we would be doing photo shoots all weekend. As we pulled onto International Drive the flashing sign in front of the convention center declared our arrival. As the first day of Megacon began, we discussed our game plan as Carlos and I walked [I gimped] towards the main hall. I was excited and nervous, not really knowing what to expect, but eager just the same. That weekend I met a ton of new and interesting people, and ran into a few old friends and acquaintances. Although we were entirely focused on our work, we still made time to goof off a bit as well. I honestly was not sure what to anticipate about that weekend and although most of it was light and fun, some of it was pretty heavy.
“My heart is Heavy and Light…”
As the second day of the convention began I could hardly contain my excitement. The day was clear, beautiful and breezy- the perfect day to shoot. As we began the Avatar shoot I pulled out my camera to get a couple of shots of Morataya in action. Pausing a moment I noticed that a small group had formed behind me watching as the girl and photographer romped in the bushes; among them were three cheerleaders. The Orange County Convention Center is massive; as such they have the ability to hold more than one convention at a time. That weekend there was not only Megacon but, a log home show, a graduation, a motivational speaker, and a cheerleading competition. I smiled at the girls and they quickly asked what was going on and why everyone was dressed up. I told them that it was a sci-fi, comic, anime, video game convention that came to town once a year. With smiles and nods they quickly asked if they could get a picture with the model. Hesitant and nervous I turned to Morataya and asked if he could take a quick break for the girls to get a photo op. Thankfully he agreed and I snapped a couple of quick pictures for them, they thanked me and surprisingly told me that they would be back next year to purchase tickets of their own.
“I exist as I am, that is enough.”
As they thanked all of us and started towards the main hall I returned to what I was doing oddly more joyful than before. The fact that those girls were so completely open to something new and different was a breath of fresh air. Sure they may not understand everything, but they were willing to ask and try it out. Not that all of our run-ins with the cheerleaders that weekend were all pleasant. I cannot count how many dirty looks and rude comments were made. I unfortunately allowed my own tongue to slip and made a snide comment back to one of the cheerleaders in defense of my friends. I was disheartened and saddened at the lack of openness that the other girls had shown, although I was completely in the wrong for the comment that I made. It was uncalled for and unnecessary and I want to apologize for it. One positive experience and one negative experience- almost canceling each other out in my eyes. Not giving it another thought we continued with our shoots and Saturday slowly drew to an end- the longest day of the weekend yet.
“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love... There is no fear in love.”
Sunday went by swiftly in comparison to the day before and we still had some time to kill after our final shoot. Ravenous we decided TGI Friday’s was the solution and marched towards the main hall while half of the team went to get the car. As we stepped into the room my heart stopped, a lump forming in my throat. This was nothing out of the ordinary, so why was I almost brought to tears by what lie before me? Perhaps it is because in the simple things I find beauty; the simplicity and complication of God’s unconditional and unyielding love for us. Mouth agape I swiftly pulled out my cell phone and stole a shot of what had taken my by such surprise.
“Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?”
A group of cheerleaders sat on the ground surrounded by con-goers, some of which who were dressed in Cosplay [dressed up like a character]. Now why something that basic and simple would, hit me so hard? Those girls who may normally not give those kids a second glance at school, who may poke fun, or give dirty looks for how they dress, were playing cards on the floor- laughing. It was Beautiful. The kids that more than likely by choice would have no interaction with one another in a regular school day. I pray that they may take that experience with them into their schools, their youth groups, and etcetera and be sure to include those that may be ostracized for the simplest of things. To invite the kid that sits by himself/herself at lunch to come and join them and actually care. If they can look past everything to play a simple game of cards, how is it that it nearly impossible for the modern day church to do this?
“Can you really say No and Lord in the same sentence?”
Cliques are a way of life, they can be broken down bit by bit, but they will never really dissolve all together. It is a fact of life- you aren’t going to hang out with someone if they don’t have the same interests as you. If you have nothing in common why bother spending time with someone? It states in scripture that we have Christ in common, which should supersede all the rest, in my opinion. Then why are people continually turned away from church, not greeted when attending a service, and given dirty looks for their appearance? Where are Christ’s ambassadors? ‘Chrisitians’ are turning away the homeless, the Goths, the homosexuals- church is made for the dirty. We need to get over this holier than thou mentality and do what Christ told us to! We need to be willing to step into the awkward moments to allow God to work.“God wants your broken, dirty, addicted heart.”When I shared this with a couple people close to me I got a few different responses. One in particular was- How do we change what we as Christians have done? The change starts with one; show the unconditional love of God to the people society rejects, and even those it doesn’t. We can claim Christianity till we are blue in the face but your actions speak volumes. For fear of becoming redundant I will conclude with this. If a small group of cheerleaders can step up and share a simple card game with a group of peers they wouldn’t normally talk to, what is stopping you as a Christian from doing the same?
“The spirit overflows to the hands.”
“My heart is Heavy and Light…”
As the second day of the convention began I could hardly contain my excitement. The day was clear, beautiful and breezy- the perfect day to shoot. As we began the Avatar shoot I pulled out my camera to get a couple of shots of Morataya in action. Pausing a moment I noticed that a small group had formed behind me watching as the girl and photographer romped in the bushes; among them were three cheerleaders. The Orange County Convention Center is massive; as such they have the ability to hold more than one convention at a time. That weekend there was not only Megacon but, a log home show, a graduation, a motivational speaker, and a cheerleading competition. I smiled at the girls and they quickly asked what was going on and why everyone was dressed up. I told them that it was a sci-fi, comic, anime, video game convention that came to town once a year. With smiles and nods they quickly asked if they could get a picture with the model. Hesitant and nervous I turned to Morataya and asked if he could take a quick break for the girls to get a photo op. Thankfully he agreed and I snapped a couple of quick pictures for them, they thanked me and surprisingly told me that they would be back next year to purchase tickets of their own.
“I exist as I am, that is enough.”
As they thanked all of us and started towards the main hall I returned to what I was doing oddly more joyful than before. The fact that those girls were so completely open to something new and different was a breath of fresh air. Sure they may not understand everything, but they were willing to ask and try it out. Not that all of our run-ins with the cheerleaders that weekend were all pleasant. I cannot count how many dirty looks and rude comments were made. I unfortunately allowed my own tongue to slip and made a snide comment back to one of the cheerleaders in defense of my friends. I was disheartened and saddened at the lack of openness that the other girls had shown, although I was completely in the wrong for the comment that I made. It was uncalled for and unnecessary and I want to apologize for it. One positive experience and one negative experience- almost canceling each other out in my eyes. Not giving it another thought we continued with our shoots and Saturday slowly drew to an end- the longest day of the weekend yet.
“Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love... There is no fear in love.”
Sunday went by swiftly in comparison to the day before and we still had some time to kill after our final shoot. Ravenous we decided TGI Friday’s was the solution and marched towards the main hall while half of the team went to get the car. As we stepped into the room my heart stopped, a lump forming in my throat. This was nothing out of the ordinary, so why was I almost brought to tears by what lie before me? Perhaps it is because in the simple things I find beauty; the simplicity and complication of God’s unconditional and unyielding love for us. Mouth agape I swiftly pulled out my cell phone and stole a shot of what had taken my by such surprise.
“Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?”
A group of cheerleaders sat on the ground surrounded by con-goers, some of which who were dressed in Cosplay [dressed up like a character]. Now why something that basic and simple would, hit me so hard? Those girls who may normally not give those kids a second glance at school, who may poke fun, or give dirty looks for how they dress, were playing cards on the floor- laughing. It was Beautiful. The kids that more than likely by choice would have no interaction with one another in a regular school day. I pray that they may take that experience with them into their schools, their youth groups, and etcetera and be sure to include those that may be ostracized for the simplest of things. To invite the kid that sits by himself/herself at lunch to come and join them and actually care. If they can look past everything to play a simple game of cards, how is it that it nearly impossible for the modern day church to do this?
“Can you really say No and Lord in the same sentence?”
Cliques are a way of life, they can be broken down bit by bit, but they will never really dissolve all together. It is a fact of life- you aren’t going to hang out with someone if they don’t have the same interests as you. If you have nothing in common why bother spending time with someone? It states in scripture that we have Christ in common, which should supersede all the rest, in my opinion. Then why are people continually turned away from church, not greeted when attending a service, and given dirty looks for their appearance? Where are Christ’s ambassadors? ‘Chrisitians’ are turning away the homeless, the Goths, the homosexuals- church is made for the dirty. We need to get over this holier than thou mentality and do what Christ told us to! We need to be willing to step into the awkward moments to allow God to work.“God wants your broken, dirty, addicted heart.”When I shared this with a couple people close to me I got a few different responses. One in particular was- How do we change what we as Christians have done? The change starts with one; show the unconditional love of God to the people society rejects, and even those it doesn’t. We can claim Christianity till we are blue in the face but your actions speak volumes. For fear of becoming redundant I will conclude with this. If a small group of cheerleaders can step up and share a simple card game with a group of peers they wouldn’t normally talk to, what is stopping you as a Christian from doing the same?
“The spirit overflows to the hands.”
Labels: anime, christ, church, jesus, megacon, reject
the art of uncertainty.
two roads diverged in a wood, and i -
i took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.