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Sunday, July 12, 2015
Riptide @ 8:00 PM

If you could have any superpower what would you choose?

I know what I would have chosen long ago: I would choose the ability to breathe underwater. I grew up as a water baby; summers would be spent at the local neighborhood pool or at the beach.  I felt at home in the water.  My brothers and I would stay in the water until our fingers were pruned and we had no energy left.  Some of my favorite memories as a child were at these two locations.  One of my favorite games to play was imagining I was a mermaid.

Mermaids have always fascinated me; maybe it was watching too much of the Little Mermaid when I was younger.  They had so many abilities: breathing underwater, swimming through the water with ease, diving to great depths without being affected, communicating with sea creatures, having the vast ocean to make friends or get lost in, and the ability to breathe out of water as well.  Whether it was my brothers, friends, or other children I met I would find anyone and everyone I could to agree to play my game with me.    I would like to think that other little girls that age also played the same game when they went swimming.  To this day Mermaids do fascinate me but I have come to discover why I craved this life under the sea so much.

I deal with severe anxiety and depression; there are days where I can barely get out of bed let alone function normally.  When my anxiety gets the better of me my chest gets tight, I feel panicked, and scared; it is all I can do to drag myself to my dark closet and sit there.  The silliest part of it is that the smallest most insignificant things can trigger it; an awkward moment in a conversation, just thinking about my finances or something that has not and more than likely will never happen.  I hyperventilate and I feel as if the entire world is crashing down around me.  Finally with coughs and tears it slowly subsides, a total of maybe two to five minutes; but for me it feels like an eternity.

This feeling of drowning, whether slowly in my depression or quickly with my anxiety, is the worst feeling in the world.  I isolate myself, I lash out at others and get angry with myself.  To have the ability to breathe in both water and on land is something I covet because at times I can't even have one.  I take each day one at a time, so please be patient with me.  Please don't be upset with me if I cancel plans last minute, if I don't wish you a happy birthday, or if I don't call regularly.  I am trying really hard to adapt to this whole living on land thing.  Perhaps I am more of a mermaid than I thought I was.




i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:

two roads diverged in a wood, and i -
i took the one less traveled by,

and that has made all the difference.




the art of uncertainty.