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Wednesday, August 11, 2010
My Sweetest Downfall @ 6:51 PM

It’s ridiculous how much of our time in High School and College is spent dating or desiring to date someone. My first few years in High School I was the girl that wanted a boyfriend; I thought that everything would be perfect if I just had that one guy to share my days with. I was envious of friends who easily dated guys for months and even years. As I progressed through the rest of my High School career I came to the realization that I didn’t need a guy to make me happy; I was perfectly content on my own. As College began I dated on occasion but only a few turned into short term relationships.

Each breakup taught me that I needed to raise my standards in what I was looking for in a guy. I could see what I didn't like in the first guy and make sure the second guy didn't have the same negative aspects. There were plenty of things that each of the guys I dated had to offer, but there was always a negative quirk or lack of effort that would crop up, and it would quickly come to an end. I have been satisfied with being single for quite a while and have enjoyed my time alone, testing the waters here and there.

But when that one guy steps in that makes the difference, everything changes. I am not entirely sure why, but anytime a relationship gets to serious I tend to shy away. Perhaps this is because I have become so comfortable with being alone or the fact that I have been betrayed countless times. When things begin to get serious I notice little things that tend to really get on my nerves, or I become so self conscious I begin to pull out. It’s great during the “honeymoon stage” when you get along great and want to spend every waking moment together; but what happens after that? What happens when your true colors come out and not the façade that everyone tends to put up when you first meet someone?

I feel as if I have by no means put on a façade for you, but there are so many things about you that scare me. You are a complete gentleman, always opening doors for me and paying for everything; you comfort me when stress and fatigue gets the best of me. You can make me smile and laugh like no one else can; I could never be mad at you- all you would have to do is smile and I can’t help but smile back. You continue to feed into my love languages with warm hugs and sweet words of affirmation; I feel as if I am the only thing that matters to you.

It almost seems too good to be true. Perhaps I am being too much of a pessimist currently, but you scare me. Maybe it’s the fact that the only relationship you have had lasted five years and my longest one was three months? Maybe it’s because I am so self conscious that I feel like you will get sick of me too quickly or wake up one day and realize you’re not attracted to me. Maybe it’s because I have been burned so many times [by no means as badly as you were] that I am scared to open up. Most of these doubts and fears are nothing but illegitimate excuses, but the fact still remains that I am terrified.

Don’t give up on me. Although the walls are there, I just need you to be persistent and chip away at them a little at a time. Be patient with me as I learn what this is all about. Hold my hand, guide me through these new experiences, and wait for me to get a grasp on what it means to be with someone. I appreciate you more than you can imagine and if I am “your drug” don’t hesitate to get a hit every chance you get.

i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:

two roads diverged in a wood, and i -
i took the one less traveled by,

and that has made all the difference.

the art of uncertainty.