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Wednesday, August 11, 2010
My Sweetest Downfall @
6:51 PM
It’s ridiculous how much of our time in High School and College is spent dating or desiring to date someone. My first few years in High School I was the girl that wanted a boyfriend; I thought that everything would be perfect if I just had that one guy to share my days with. I was envious of friends who easily dated guys for months and even years. As I progressed through the rest of my High School career I came to the realization that I didn’t need a guy to make me happy; I was perfectly content on my own. As College began I dated on occasion but only a few turned into short term relationships.
Each breakup taught me that I needed to raise my standards in what I was looking for in a guy. I could see what I didn't like in the first guy and make sure the second guy didn't have the same negative aspects. There were plenty of things that each of the guys I dated had to offer, but there was always a negative quirk or lack of effort that would crop up, and it would quickly come to an end. I have been satisfied with being single for quite a while and have enjoyed my time alone, testing the waters here and there.
But when that one guy steps in that makes the difference, everything changes. I am not entirely sure why, but anytime a relationship gets to serious I tend to shy away. Perhaps this is because I have become so comfortable with being alone or the fact that I have been betrayed countless times. When things begin to get serious I notice little things that tend to really get on my nerves, or I become so self conscious I begin to pull out. It’s great during the “honeymoon stage” when you get along great and want to spend every waking moment together; but what happens after that? What happens when your true colors come out and not the façade that everyone tends to put up when you first meet someone?
I feel as if I have by no means put on a façade for you, but there are so many things about you that scare me. You are a complete gentleman, always opening doors for me and paying for everything; you comfort me when stress and fatigue gets the best of me. You can make me smile and laugh like no one else can; I could never be mad at you- all you would have to do is smile and I can’t help but smile back. You continue to feed into my love languages with warm hugs and sweet words of affirmation; I feel as if I am the only thing that matters to you.
It almost seems too good to be true. Perhaps I am being too much of a pessimist currently, but you scare me. Maybe it’s the fact that the only relationship you have had lasted five years and my longest one was three months? Maybe it’s because I am so self conscious that I feel like you will get sick of me too quickly or wake up one day and realize you’re not attracted to me. Maybe it’s because I have been burned so many times [by no means as badly as you were] that I am scared to open up. Most of these doubts and fears are nothing but illegitimate excuses, but the fact still remains that I am terrified.
Don’t give up on me. Although the walls are there, I just need you to be persistent and chip away at them a little at a time. Be patient with me as I learn what this is all about. Hold my hand, guide me through these new experiences, and wait for me to get a grasp on what it means to be with someone. I appreciate you more than you can imagine and if I am “your drug” don’t hesitate to get a hit every chance you get.
Labels: anxiety, depression, love, relationship
i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and i -
i took the one less traveled
by,
and that has made all the difference.
i am changed by you
the more i get to know you
daughter.
sister.
friend.
fiance.
listener.
writer.
photographer.
traveler.
if you say louder
then i'll scream louder
Guild Wars 2: kelseyaine.9126
the silence is taxing
i'm waiting for something
twitter.
deviantart.
twitch.
many attempts
to communicate
are nullified by saying too much
having conversations
with the thoughts in my head
email: